KORNER
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KORNER |
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| April 9, 2001Hello everyone for those of you still checking. I am doing better-really. The past 9 days were hard at times because we passed the two year anniversary of her diagnosis on April 1 and the two year anniversary of her surgery on April 5. In addition I had to write the obituary of Katherine's life in 400 words or less for the memorial booklet for the United Methodist Annual Conference in June. All these are part of my passage to new life which has begun. The heaviness still comes but doesn't last as long and there is joy and laughter in my life as it goes on. Thank you God for being within us all to heal the hurt and help the pain. Love |
| March 21, 2001Wednesday It has been a week and I want to update you all. The loneliness is still there when I go home but it is not as severe. When the grief comes it feels like a big rock weighing me down. I do not try to fight the feeling but go with it even when it hurts and the tears come. They are healing. I had several times when the grief came this past week but none were as severe as the Sunday before last. I call friends and family regularly to tell them how I am doing and to see how they are. With the boys and Shannon and Erika we go to dinner or talk frequently and discuss how they are coping and trying to handle the stress. I am seeing two therapist for awhile and that is very helpful. Stopped the drug for depression one week after Katherine died. One of the most helpful ways for me to handle the stress is exercise. I go to the gym every day and fast walk/run three miles on the treadmill. Coupled with eating less, I have lost 27 pounds. Yes really! I feel much better and have more energy. All in all I am doing better and have hope. I am encouraging all my family(and myself) to start living again and get out and enjoy this precious life we have been given by God. As God cried and agonized with us, I know with certainty that God now wants wholeness and full life for us. I know that is also what Katherine would want and was in fact one of the things she and I talked about on Valentine's Day. Thank you all for your continuing prayers and emails. Love |
| March 11, 2001 Sunday - I thought I was doing so well and had commented to a clergy friend that I was grieving but that the closure with Katherine had prepared me well for this part after death. I said that I had been grieving for two years. Then a picture started it all this morning. I was tired and hadn't slept much last night. Went to my son Joel's before church to hear my daughter-in-law Erika preach. While at Joel's I saw a new picture of Joel and Katherine enjoying themselves with Katherine dressed as a queen and Joel dressed as the magician Merlin. This was the beautiful Katherine before all this trouble and her look of love was full. I thought for some strange reason that I knew of all the pictures of her. Joel, Erika and I shared many tears today as we discussed the grief we were experiencing. At this point I want to pass on some reflections so far on the grief process.First of all I was not as prepared as I thought. Second is that it comes in waves and can't be stopped except when I have cried it out. Third is that the grief for me must be shared with friends, counselors, family, God and clergy. Others close to us are suffering too and it helps to share what we are experiencing. Next is that it can be incapacitating. Many of us have experienced that we seem to be out of focus as we try to go back to work and function. As Christians we know the ending will lead to resurrection and even though we may feel that now at times, the journey to Jerusalem and Good Friday continues during this season of lent. God be with us all on our journey. Love |
| March 7, 2001 Yesterday was a day of highs and lows. Saw a counselor and that was very good. Went to the crematorium to pay the bill and got her ring and death certificates. Ashes weren't ready. That was a low point. Seemed so final. Each of these events seem to bring another period of mourning. Went to the gym after dinner and went over two miles on the treadmill with 3/4 mile run and the rest at a rapid walk. Worked up quite a sweat. I continue to lose weight and get in shape. I promised Katherine and myself that I would get back in shape to handle the stress and stay healthy for myself and the family. Today I'm going to leave for a couple of days and drive to get away for awhile. House still feels empty even with Kaleb, Mike and Shannon here,but thank God they are here. At dinner last night we had a good laugh. First of all you need to have seen Toy Story and know Buzz Light year's saying to totally appreciate two year old Kaleb's comment at the end of the memorial service. Bishop Swenson was giving the benediction and was saying to remember Katherine and her life by going out into the world to act. Kaleb brought the right side of the row to laughter by saying loudly "to infinity and beyond." Wise words from a two year old who was his grandmother's delight and who grieved for her for over a week when she was gone. Who would have thought? Thank all of you for your web site messages, cards, calls, emails and most of all love. Will send an update when I return. Love |
| March 5, 2001 Katherine's memorial service was a real celebration of life on Saturday. Four of us spoke about this amazing woman's impact on us and so many others. We all shared communion as Katherine wanted.The music was wonderful with the Hallelujah Chorus at the end. My deceased brother and Katherine sang too from tapes I had. She sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" so beautifully. It was hard to hear at first but halfway through the song I knew I could stand and speak with confidence about God's gift of her to me. I ended by sharing my Thursday March 1 reflection from the web page. She was such a blessing. I know with certainty that she is at Jesus' side. Thank God
for our faith. How can others in our world handle life and death without faith?
Sunday I awoke feeling down. The family who had gathered were all leaving later in the day. The adrenalin had left my body and the house again felt empty even with people in it. When Katherine was so ill we could not go to church and we both really missed it. I felt a strong need to go yesterday and went by myself for the first time since I could remember. I knew communion would be served and needed that connection with the saints who have gone before including Katherine. When communion was to be served they were one short ,so our wonderful friend and pastor Dave Richardson, signaled to ask if I would join him to serve. What a blessing. Just what I needed. I will take this week off. I know things at the Conference center will be fine and I'm not going to worry about it. Time to reflect, grieve when I need it, see a counselor, drive in Katherine's convertible Mustang she loved (with plates that say LDY REV) and talk to friends. Time to begin the living process once again. Spring is near and the tulips and daffodils will soon signal new life from the winter. Interesting that they were always Katherine's favorite flowers. All of us need to rejoice in each day's new life. It is truly God's gift. Love |
| March 1, 2001 Thursday. Today begins with bright sunshine and very clear blue skies here in California. We have a beautiful backyard with huge avocado trees still bearing fruit. Our home is at the base of mountains that are covered with snow at the top. What a day to be alive! I will write the words today that I will share at the funeral Saturday. I have written them a hundred times in my head but today is the time for paper. I thank God for this beautiful day to write about such a beautiful woman. I have an insight I want to share. Katherine so profoundly influenced the person I am that I often wondered where Katherine ended in me and I began. I feared losing so much of me that I might be lost,falling into some deep pit. Who would be the Dan Gara who emerged? What I have discovered is that despite feeling a great loss, sadness and periods of grief with tears, that Katherine remains woven within me,throughout me, in a way that will always be there and cannot be removed by death. That is God's gift of love after 33 years of marriage-a sense of wholeness even with a vital piece missing. She left us all with her "prayer weaver" image from early in the disease process, and it sustains us now. We are a tapestry with her woven in tightly in so many ways. Thanks be to Katherine and God. I will be OK and am being healed by the Great Healer who knew what it meant to hurt but be healed. Love |
| February 28, 2001It is Ash Wednesday. How could that be so soon? This is our time of preparation for the resurrection to come : to follow Jesus' path, enduring the suffering and death. We know that resurrection is there but sometimes it is hard to see beyond the grief and pain. Katherine said too few of us are willing to go through Good Friday. We want Palm Sunday and then Easter. Skip the painful stuff. Her powerful sermon on Easter after her diagnosis spoke of her resurrection image that had come during the night. She awoke singing the old Iron Butterfly (this dates us) song "Inna Godda Da Vita "(can't remember the correct spelling) with the words "don't you know that I love you baby." She pictured her resurrection from the disease as not just a butterfly but an iron butterfly. As I head through my lent I carry my iron butterfly image but must do the grieving work too even though I know there is resurrection for me and all of us who loved her and miss her terribly. Love |
| February 27, 2001 Yesterday I was in a fog. Lots of family here but with little sleep it was hard to focus. Feelings came in waves. I thought of the loss and it seemed unreal that Katherine was no longer in this world. I know she is free and with God but it still hurts. People are here but the house seemed empty when I went to bed. I was reminded yesterday by a friend that she had been remembering Psalm 63 when Katherine was teaching a class and said it was a favorite. "Oh God you are my God and I seek you, my soul thirsts for you as in a dry and weary land where there is no water...My soul is satisfied as with a rich feast and my mouth praises you with joyful lips when I think of you on my bed and meditate on you in the watches of the night for YOU HAVE BEEN MY HELP AND IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR WINGS I SING FOR JOY. My soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me..." Every line through line 8 is underlined in her bible. It gave her great comfort during her illness and gives me comfort now. The funeral celebration is planned for Saturday at 3:00 at Laguna County UMC. In lieu of flowers donations to Katherine's fund at the Claremont School of Theology may be sent to CST at 1325 N. College Ave., Claremont, Ca 91711-3199. Mark Katherine Gara's Scholarship Fund in the memo section of your check. It will go to support a student assistant to the Professor of spirituality at CST that was Katherine's vision. I will continue to keep the web site updated for awhile. Love, |
| February 26, 2001Monday morning - There is no easy way to say that Katherine died peacefully with our family and friends at 12:50 this morning. We circled her bed ,hugged, read psalm 121, told stories,prayed,cried,laughed and celebrated the life of an incredible woman. We know she was welcomed by all the saints. She always said she was not afraid of death and she welcomed helping others deal with death. It was a blessing for her to be an ordained pastor in this special role. During this two year time frame Katherine continued to help all of us deal with life and death. It seemed we were always the ones comforted. We will let everyone know when services are planned. Thank you all for your tears,encouragement,prayers and loving notes to her. She loved hearing from you. This will be a special Easter as we rejoice in the resurrection and remember how powerfully she preached about the resurrection on Easter Sunday two years ago only two days after her brain tumor was found. She now sees Jesus face to face as she always saw Jesus in the faces of others,especially "the least of those." Love |
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